I’ve seen better days

Before I have a meltdown at an Ari Gold level, I am going to reach deep into my fantasy closet and pull out my pride. This year has been somewhat different then most. There’s been a lot to digest and there is only so much you can control in the fantasy world. Whoever thought up the very name of ‘Fantasy’ Football had put some thought into it. Probably more so than we think. The definition of the word fantasy is: imagination unrestricted by reality. Put that in your bag of thoughts and chew on it for a little bit as if it were the last toothpick on earth.

The game of ’fantasy football’ originated in 1962. It was created by Bill Winkenbach, then a limited partner in the Oakland Raiders organization, with some assistance from Bill Tunnell, the Raiders’ public relations man, Scotty Stirling, the beat writer from the Oakland Tribune, and George Ross, the Tribune’s sports editor, as well as Philip Carmona, Winkenbach’s homie. The idea emerged during a three-week road trip the Raiders took to the East Coast. Winkenbach and the others hashed out the idea during the trip after they got tired of jacking each other off in the RV. At least that seems how something so stupidly genious would go down. Anyways, upon their return they formed the first fantasy football league, the GOPPPL (Greater Oakland Professional Pigskin Prognosticators League). I remember all the way back in the third grade when I first learned of the game. Back when Jerry Rice and Emitt Smith were still scoring touchdowns. We would fill out roster sheets every week and have to have them turned in by 5:00 pm on Thursday nights with a five dollar bill which was the weekly fee. This is pre-Thursday night games of course. Every Monday morning I would wake up and have to grab a calculator and the morning newspaper literally 15 minutes before my pops took me to class because I couldn’t wait to tally my scores. Nowadays with the evolution of computers we are lucky enough to have Yahoo, ESPN, and CBS Sportsline among others to do all the numbers for us. It’s come along way. To the point where it’s a billion dollar business. Fucking insane I know.

'99 Fantasy Draft Board = Classic

Above is a draft board I dug out from 10 years ago. Cat pissed stained and all. I’m still eating cob webs as I type this. I always had a thing for Randall Cunningham. Not the Vikings Cunningham, but vintage Eagles Randall Cunningham. I remember my dad coming home from a business trip in Philadelphia and he brought home a couple of Randall Bars. I don’t think I ever ate them. My team was stacked with Eddie Geroge, Dorsey Levens, Corey Dillon (who was huge in ’99) and Marvin Harrison, arguably the year he broke out and Peyton’s first full season as a starter.

I’ve been winning fantasy football leagues since I had a binky and carried around a blanket like Charlie Brown.

However, this season I find myself in a new age. There’s more knowledge to consume than Albert Einstein’s head on the internet giving almost everybody an equal playing field. It’s a great thing really, but a vice at the sametime. I feel like Phil Helmuth going up against a 20 year old trust fund student from Vanderbilt. Seemingly, you have the advantage, but the result comes out totally different. I have started off the season with four leagues which is about all I can handle. Only one of them I have a winning record at 2-1. In my big money league, I’m 0-3. I’ve seen better days.

Randall Cunningham was my all-time mancrush.

I feel like cuddling up next to Jeff Fisher and eating chocolates all night while watching Confessions of a Shop-a-holic. But when is the time to panic? Well, as I stated in an earlier post, I have been here before. So, to everybody who feels like the weight of the fantasy world is crashing down on them. Keep your head up and keep diggin. Even though every victory from here on out is probably important, trust yourself. Out of anything I have learned about fantasy football, it’s like the girlfriend that you just can’t get over. But you still love her and you still care. The reason you care, because it’s excruciatingly wonderful.

There’s so much parody and inconsistency in the National Football League that you can’t truly predict what’s going to go down. Who would have thought Willis McGahee would have almost double the fantasy points Ray Rice gets in a week. Fred Jackson has more points than Steve Slaton and Brandon Jacobs combined. Hell, Johnny Knox, Mike Sims-Walker, and Pierre Garcon have just as many points as Calvin Johnson. Nobody even thought of drafting those guys. By the way, in my big money league I have Brandon, Steve, and Calvin. Again, I’ve seen better days.

Do I think things are going to change. Absolutely. I mean, part of me feels like I just made an investment with my life savings and somebody has Madoffed with my money, but another part of me loves the chase. Whether you’re winning or losing, we own a piece of the fantasy world. We are able to manage a real team and watch our players play on a real gameday. We are living out our own fantasies that every little boy inside of us has always yearned for. Fuck it, if it ain’t really real, living our fantasy is real enough. Even when you’re in the cellar you have to appreciate what Winkenbach and the others have given us. It’s a dream come true. And yes, I’ve seen better days…but that won’t put out the fire. In fact, the fire has just begun.

So, with that said…go out and fight for your team like you own the shit. If your a vet throw your credentials out the window, because you are acting like Steve Jobs just stole everything you have ever worked for since you dropped out of college. If you’re a rook, get smarter, get some savvy and stay focused. It’s easy to turn onto others things that bring happiness to your life, but there ain’t nothing like the joy of Sunday morning. It’s more than possible to turn your luck around and when you do, you too will see better days.

The Indianapolis Cult

I had a nightmare last night that Peyton Manning was still throwing passes to Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark. Instead of cows or sheep it was footballs with those two on the receiving end.

I went into last nights game with a solid opportunity to sweep victories in all three of my yahoo leagues until the Fantasy Cult that resides in Indianapolis put on a clinic in Arizona. I think we can go ahead and say they’re back at the fantasy top. In fact, the Colts offense has easily been the most impressive in the league after three weeks in with scoring drives of 80+ yards that last about as long as it takes to brush your teeth. Literally! I recall one point in the night where I was brushing my off-whites and getting myself pumped that King Felix will put up big numbers on Monday Night. Then, Peyton orchestrated a 4 play 80 yard drive that was capped off with a shovel pass to Joseph Addai for his fourth touchdown.

This image has been running through the FG's mind all day long.

Unfortunatley for me I was going up against Peyton and Wayne, Wayne and Clark, and Peyton and Addai in my respective leagues after going into the game with a reasonable shot to win. Now, it begins to look grim. I wrote a letter to Felix Jones last night, who I own on three of my teams begging him to show me what we all know he is capable of doing. I need 30 points to complete the comeback or else I will be drowning my sorrows with sleeping pills chased by my friend Jack. Last time I did that, I didn’t wake up for two days. So once again, I am begging you Mr. Jones to pull me through.

In other news, it was nice to see Brandon Jacobs get into the endzone. However, watching Ahmad Bradshaw and Gus Johnson (who?) split carries in the second half probably didn’t sit well with fantasy owners. You can attribute that to the worst franchise in history, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Back to old form on Sunday, the Bucs failed to reach a net total of 100 yards on offense. Word has it that Josh Johnson will be starting next week and Byron Leftwich has been demoted to third string. With that said, I would be weary of having any Buccaneer in your Sunday lineup from here on out. And what about Terrell Owens? I made the argument on draft day that Santonio Holmes, DeSean Jackson, and even Jerricho Cotchery would have better years. I was called ‘crazy’ and ‘rediculous,’ how do I look now? T.O. went o’fer for the first time since his rookie season in San Francisco.

It might be time to throw in the towel on T.O.

I also chose Larry Johnson at the end of the third round in my big money league so I won’t say I am perfect. However, I traded him away last week in a package deal for a nice buy low in Steve Slaton who might be getting goal-line carries after Chris Brown dropped the ball (no pun intended). These are two guys that are extremely cold right now and I would consider benching them until a favorable matchup comes up.

Drew Brees finally laid a dud and took Marques Colston with him. After a hot start, the PT Cruiser came in and thizzle danced all over Ralph Wilson Stadium making fantasy owners feel a little more comfortable with their second round crush. Look for things to remain the same making this the week to go get him.

Brett Favre is God and Mark Sanchez is Jesus. They might not be the best fantasy choice week in and week out, but their sex appeal just went out the roof. Players like that make you love the game of football.

Onto tonight. I am more anxious than a toddler hyped up on Orange Slice and Shocktarts waiting in line to pee for this game to start. And honestly, I feel good about it. There’s no reason not to. That’s the beauty of Fantasy Football. If Manning and Wayne can throw up touchdowns, why should I think otherwise about a somewhat potent offense in Big D on Monday Night. Felix is still the same guy who scored on his first NFL carry, returned the opening kickoff (on Monday Night) 98 yards, and then burned off a 60 yard dash the following week. Imagine what he could do with 20 carries. We’ll find out tonight. Plus, there’s some kind of evil enjoyment I get out of being down thirty points going into the last game of the week. After all, that’s how DeAngelo Williams won me my league last year. Anything can happen!

Something to look forward to: How many times Steve Young interrupts Stuart Scott to hear himself talk? Over/Under: 5

 

If you enjoy reading The Fantasy Guy’s blog, write a comment, join the blog, or find me on twitter. Thank you for your interest.

The Fantasy Guy’s Five: Week 3

You know those tasty looking sandwiches Dominos has been advertising for the past six months? You know, the ones with that bold new taste that claims undoubtedly that they can beat any old sub shop at its craft? Well, my curiousity got to me today after watching their newest commercial which gave me a few small inside chuckles so I got on the dial to try one out. Not too mention a buddy of mine was salivating over it and could not be swayed from his lunchtime decision.

We decided on the Chicken Bacon Ranch, which anything with those three things in one sentence will make froth at the mouth like an eight month old and the Sweet & Spicy Chicken Habanero, one of their 4 bold new oven baked delights. We also ordered a pepperoni pizza as well even though I have never been a fan of Dominos pizza, but the 3 for $5.55 deal was just too inviting. Half an hour went by before our man meal showed up and the excitement of something new was building up.

I have always been a man that has lived by a few random rules. Mainly, to be open-mined and always allow yourself to try something new and don’t dip your pen in the company ink. Easy enough right? Well, today I added a new rule. By your sandwiches from a place that makes sandwiches and your pizzas from a place that makes pizzas. After my first bite the excitement was thrown out the window like giving away a buck to a slot machine. The chicken look like it was leftover Taco Bell meat, the bacon wasn’t even detected by my tastebuds, and the ranch (and I put ranch on everything) was as bland as the girl you meet at the bar that you realize you have absolutely nothing in common with. As far as the other sandwich, it was loaded with pineapples yet I couldn’t even taste them because the jalapenos lodge inside were more intense than a cockfight (as in two rooster boxing). All in all, and I don’t say this much, but I give Dominos an F. Whether you choose to live by my words or not, don’t say I didn’t worn ya.

Now, onto the picks. Last week, I went 3-2 once again and as I stated in a post earlier this week, I am done puttin my money on the Redskins. But hey, we’re still making money.

Giants (-7) over BUCS  The G-Men are back to ’07 form and quite possibly even better than that. Eli has matured into one of the best QBs in the league and the they haven’t missed a beat at wideout. Super Mario and Steve Smith are both at the top of the ranks through the first two weeks and it has no signs of stopping. The Giants head to Tampa this week against a team that really has no hope against some of the better teams in the league. Even though Leftwich might look good on paper, he has never really proved he can win. He might be a good pickup if you are looking for garbage points because they will be behind all year and he can actually play, but my money has the Giants by 10 in this one. Fantasy Pick: Brandon Jacobs breaks out this week with 124yds on the ground and two short-yardage touchdowns.

The Fantasy Guy loves him some Mario Manningham

Titans (+2.5) over JETS  I understand that the Jets are not a team anybody wants to face this year, but also understand they are still very raw. It’s comparable to Kobe Bryant’s rookie year. You saw the talent, but it hadn’t all came together yet. Mark Sanchez will be a great QB in this league as well, but I would rather play bridge with my grandmother before going up against an 0-2 Titans squad. Fantasy Pick: Jerricho Cothcery, 7 for 77 and a touch.

BENGALS  (+4) over Steelers  The Bungles have a defense. Shutdown corners Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph have been super solid to start the year and Antwan Odom had five sack last week…………five! Bundle this baby up with the under in a nice little parlay to make some extra cash. With a banged up Steelers defense, this is my lock of the week. Fantasy Pick: Chad Ocho Cinco, 6 grabs for 115 and a 60 yard grab on the first series to the house allowing him to pull out the terrible towel.

Jaguars (-3.5) over TEXANS  This may be another Fantasy Frenzy this week as the Jags head to Houston. They are one player away from being an elite defense, but they just aren’t there yet. David Garrard and MJD will keep this one close and the Texans will win by 3 once again in a shootout. Fantasy Pick: Maurice Jones-Drew, 160 total yards and 2TDs.

Panthers (+9) over COWBOYS  This is a ridiculous line and easy money for you. The Panthers are not that bad and like the Titans they are 0-2 and ready to fight someone. They may not come out on top, but +9, c ‘mon Vegas! Fantasy Pick: Felix Jones 15 carries 140 yards and a TD.

Last Week: 3-2, Season: 6-4

Fantasy Freak’d: Get Handcuffed!

Yo! What’s up Fantasy Fugazis’? I appreciate the amount of feedback I got last week with my Fantasy Freak’d column, so much so that I am implementing it as a staple into my blog. This week, I turn the focus onto the newest era in professional football of the back-up running back. Seemingly, running backs are going down faster than a New Jersey hooker and if you haven’t prepared yourself then you could be taking a hit this week. Chester Taylor is a given on draft day if you had the privilege of drafting AD, but for others…you may not have seen it coming.  

Now in some cases, it might have been hard to pick up Felix Jones or LeSean McCoy as they were shooting off the boards in the mid rounds. In any case though, it’s time to handcuff your top 2 backs if possible, even if it means trading one of your better bench guys. Hell, if you can dust off Santana Moss on somebody to pick-up Tashard Choice, you’ll probably have less worries than you did before. I know you’re scared putting Mike Sims-Walker in that flex, so see if you can’t get what I like to call a ‘sleeping pill’ out of it. A handcuff that will make the Z’s easier to come by at night. Here are the best backups you want in your lineup this weekend, whether they are a handcuff or not.

Barber's pain, is Felix's gain

 You knew it was coming, maybe not this soon, but haven’t you secretly been waiting to see what Felix Jones could do with 20 carries? Here’s the deal….1) The ‘Boys lead the league in rushing after two weeks. 2) Tony Romo certaintly can’t do it all by himself, and they are going to rely on the run. 3) We know they can score points. 4) Felix Jones has been waiting to go off. There is a reason this guy was the first backup taken and he is going to show it this week against a banged up Panthers frontline. It’s the perfect storm. And it wouldn’t hurt to back him up with Tashard Choice who showed last year that he is fully capable of filling in. In fact, they didn’t miss a beat in Big D last season when the rookie filled in. He could be a sneaky flex play this week the way they are running.

LeSean McCoy was also another name on draft day that came flying up the draft boards. His average draft position from August to September was a difference of five rounds and he went in the 7th on average drafts held in September. Why? He’s the quicker, faster clone of Brian Westbrook who constantly as more aches and pains than Nancy Kerrigan in the ’94 Olympics. Without backing him up with McCoy you are undoubtedly going to be screaming ‘WHY ME?’ over and over again until you realize how annoying you are being. Mini-Dub is up against the Chiefs this week and Westbrook hasn’t practiced all week. With somewhat of a gimme-game why risk it? McCoy is going to get the carries and could possibly have a field day in Kansas City, especially with dog killer running the wildcat.

You want more, you got it. Tim Hightower, great play this week and quite possibly for the rest of the season. Beanie continues to fumble the ball and Hightower’s maturity in the blocking game and ability to catch the ball outta of the backfield means more time on the field. Also, if you got a chance to get Darren Sproles for cheap then do it. He will be a factor all year long and whatever the matchup be, it doesn’t seem to phase the little midget. He’s the exception to any matchup and should get a look for that flex spot every week. We might have a James Davis sighting this week with Jamal Lewis’ lingering hamstring and we all saw what he did in the pre-season. If you have Frank Gore, please back him up with Glen Coffee. This could be the biggest steal of the draft if Gore goes down which he has also been known to get banged up. Justin Forsett, not Edgerrin James could be seeing some more action in the next couple of weeks.

The moral of the article is, get handcuffed! Even if you have to open a spot on your roster for Rashad Jennings or Chris Brown, it’s absolutely vital this year more than any other season and I promise you will sleep better during the week. Thus, allowing you to wake up worry free and do whatever it is you do everyday and do it better.

Monday Morning Quarterback

I am still unable to get my Twitter going on my Blackberry for these Sunday games. A buddy of mine said I should report my feelings throughout Sunday since all we do is intensely watch every moment of every game, but my Twitter app is crap. Not to mention the hundreds of phones being scanned for statistics within one room. Maybe I’ll kick it at home next Sunday. If anybody has a good Twitter app they use that is better than my TwitterBerry please feel free to endulge me. As for now, here’s my rundown of a monsterous week in Fantasy Football.

First off, I think I am done trying to predict what the ‘Skins are going to do, because it seems as if they don’t even know what to do themselves. Daniel Snyder has held up the process in D.C. for too many years now that it’s becoming a gambler’s nightmare. He just looks like a trust fund dork that throws his money around like a billionaire in a mexican whorehouse. If he can spend all this money on big names, then why the hell is Jason Campbell still behind center? Something has to change there.

Being from Kansas City it looks as if its going to be a long season from a fan stand point. So after getting tired of watching Todd Haley manage a game we turned to the Houston vs. Tennessee game which looked like a good ol’ fashioned shootout. Exactly the way I like it. They were still in the first quarter while most of the other early games were at halftime. Passing on Chris Johnson at pick 12 could have been the biggest mistake I have ever made in Fantasy Football. He’s as sexy a girl dressed in body paint. See what I  mean? The man had 40 points by halftime and capped his day off with a third quarter sprint for 91 yards. That’s enough to make owners cum in their pants as far as I’m concerned.

Not a Dolphins fan? Try now!

By the way, this is not a PG-13 blog so if you have ear muffs or eye masks……..use them!

Same game, different squad. My boy Matt Schaub who I have in all four of my leagues showed up. Too bad I sat him in 3 out of 4, but still it’s very encouraging. I guess the Jets are for real. Andre Johnson also proved he was worthy of that first round pick you spent on him coming through in a big way with 10 catches for 149 and 2TDs including a 72-yard bomb on a play-action pass that totally miffed the Titans secondary. Good stuff.

Back to the J-E-T-S, Jets Jets Jets. I think Rex Ryan might be the last guy you want to run into at a bathroom stall. He’d kick you and your buddies ass faster than you can even say Sea Bass. And it seems to be rubbing off in New York, because they look like a team that thinks they are going to Miami. They may be tough to predict fantasy-wise, but if you had the guts to take their D in round 11 in your draft like I have seen, it seems to be paying off. Brady didn’t even throw a touchdown and I have never seen a team make him look like that.

Sea Bass ain't got nothing on Rex Ryan

What else….hmmmmmmmm! Oh yeah, the Saints are legit. I would be perfectly content with playing a lineup of all Saints, especially if Reggie is getting the ‘after-the-game is already over and we can sit on the sidelines and check out hot chicks in the stands’ points. I know he fell quite a bit this year, but there are enough touches to go around and he is still returning punts. Very dangerous. And my prediction about Colston was almost spot on.

I also hit on Cincy, not only by saying they would win the game and Chad would be able to do his Lambeau Leap, which he did, but I also stated that Greg Jennings would not show up. I think the fact that he DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A CATCH, justifies my statement. Chris Henry only ended up with one catch, but it was a touchdown so I’ll take half credit.

Moving to the late games, I will retract my statement about the Forty Niners as they looked like a team that was tired of being the NFC Wests’ bitch the last five seasons. Funny that I tried trading for Frank Gore all week and got nothing. Now I’m really screwed. He also single-handedly beat me in my big money league. His second 80 yard scamper was about the same time I spilled my beer all over our table and the front of my pants. Damn you Seahawks. Good to see Cutler back as well, taking down the Champs. Only a guy with that rich-kid swagger could pull that off.

Did you see Ray Lewis stuff Darren Sproles on 4th down to win the game? One of the most amazing plays I have ever seen. He was possessed. The man could have ran through a building to get to “The Little Tank” if he had to. Fucking awesome.

And lastly, the showdown at ‘The Palace’ was a game that pretty much told the story of week 2. Big plays, big points, and big screens. The new Dallas Stadium brought in over 105,000 in it’s debut for Jerry Jones and the ‘Boys (hopefully everybody bought a hotdog) and everything was just about perfect until Eli Cool methodically led his team down the field in the final minutes. That’s how you win a ballgame and that’s how you shut up a lot of people. Unfortunately, nobody punted the ball into the giant billboard TV up there. I gotta make a road trip down to Big D to see this thing. It’s a fucking landmark. Oh, and Brandon Jacobs…I can’t sleep at night because I keep playing draft night over in my mind when I was a millisecond away from picking Chris Johnson over your ass. I thought you were a touchdown whore?

 

 

The Fantasy Guy’s Five: Week2

What’s up party people. Seems like Sunday is taking forever to get here, but I guess that’s just the beauty of Fantasy Football and the NFL in general. It’s comparable to a) waiting all week for 24 minutes of Entourage, b) a cornerback waiting to pick off one of Jay Cutler’s arid throws, c) standing in line at Wal-Mart and thinking to yourself, ‘I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here.’

Ha ha, yeah that’s right…I know you all know what I’m talking about. And if for some reason you don’t, check out www.peopleofwalmart.com. Whoever created this site is genius…in a comically intelligent kind of way. In fact, after browsing the site it gives you a whole new outlook on your next trip to Wal-Mart, almost to the point where it is something to look forward to……..almost! Anyway, I actually found myself at Wal-Mart (I don’t know what that means, “found myself at Wal-Mart,” but it feels right) yesterday picking up some detergent and of course I was curious as to what my eyes would see. Sure enough I wasn’t disappointed. The first thing I see when I walk in is a man standing in the middle of the main entrance with a bag of onions. He’s got a look about him that says, ‘My parents are different species and my sister is also my cousin,’ if you know what I mean. Simultaneously as I walked by him the bag of onions busted open like they were the ones about to cry. They hit the floor one after another and the guy ends up with only one onion left in the bag. He stops, looks at the ground watching his onions roll off in all different directions and then looks back at the last onion standing. Then, after a ten second pause (and yes I am still watching this guy, because I can’t bare to miss how the situation will conclude) he turns the bag over setting the last onion free, kicks one of them and walks off. Ahhh, the shit you see at Wal-Mart.

Now that I got that out, let’s talk some football. I ended up 3-2 last week, which in the betting world isn’t good, but it ain’t bad. We’re still on top. The Dolphins let me down and who would have thought the Buffalo Bills (greatest team name ever) would give the Pats a run for their money? On a more positive note I hit with my Fantasy Picks as they all had decents weeks and my predictions were nearly spot on outside of Run DMC not hitting paydirt. I’d say I am off to a solid start, definitely something to build on. So, without further adieu…here are my picks for Week 2.

You gotta love it!

Bengals over (+9) PACKERS   There’s too much parity in this league to have a crazy line like this and quite frankly the Packers didn’t look all that great even with Cutler’s gifts. Also, Chad Ochocinco has made a promise on Twitter to do something in regards to a Lambeau Leap so how can you root against that. The fact of the matter is, unless Brandon Stokley is traded to the Packers within the next 24 hours, the Bengals D should be able to hold and for you Greg Jennings fans, don’t expect the same as last week. Fantasy Pick: Chris Henry (WR) 5 catches 89 yards 1TD and we’ll let 85 leap as well.

Saints (PK) over EAGLES  Now listen, I’m almost positive by gametime this line will be swayed, but you don’t need to out think yourselves here. The Saints are ridiculous on offense, regardless of who they play, The Eagles are starting without McNabb and they are not going to have the same fire power to hold off Drew Brees in this one. Take the Saints. Fantasy Pick: Marques Colston (WR) 9 grabs for 119 and not one, but two TDs.

Ravens (+3.5) over CHARGERS  Too tough, too fast, too good for a soft Chargers squad. Plus, I am wacko for Flacco! Fantasy Pick: I’m rollin with Joe who will put up similiar numbers to last week. 301yds, 2TDs.

Seahawks (+1.5) over NINERS  Not sure the ‘FORTY FUCKIN NINERS’ should be favored in this one so I’ma put my money on ‘dem Seahawks. They are eager to take back what was theirs in the division, then again who cares about the NFC West. Fantasy Pick: T.J. Houshmandzadeh (WR) 8 grabs, 109 and a touch.

REDSKINS (+10) over Rams  Let’s see, the Rams can’t pass, the Ram’s can’t kick, the Ram’s can’t play defense and the only thing they got going for them is going to be clogged up by a human dump truck that is Albert Haynesworth. This could be the game that gives J-Campbell his swagger back, if he ever had any to begin with. Fantasy Pick: Clinton Portis (RB) 160 yards 2TDs.

You can pay for school, but you can't buy class

There ya go folks, lock ‘em in. Oh wait, let me get one final bet in before time is up. Money Mayweather is going to make it rain in Vegas tonight. It should be a good fight  and I can’t wait to pre-game for this one. I think HBO kills it with all the build-up. Get the full card out though because we are going 12 rounds before Marquez goes down. I also predict a win for boxing in the pay-per-view battle against UFC. It might not be back, but it ain’t dead. Be Easy.

Last Week’s Locks: 3-2

Fantasy Freak’d: Chill out, it’s only Week 1

Listen Up, if your mind has been wandering throughout the week because you feel your fantasy team resembles the St. Louis Rams, I am here to help. If you have had trouble sleeping as a direct effect from your 0-1 start, don’t freak out just yet. Here is some Kool-Aid for your thoughts, so chill the fuck out.

Don't even think about it...yet.

I know what it’s like to feel all alone, but please remind yourself, first and foremost…it’s only week 1. You need atleast three weeks to truly evaluate your team, even if you have someone like McNabb. Remember, you can play with broken ribs and D has the cajones to do it. It’s not the time to claim Mike Vick as your savior either. There are still better options out there even in deep leagues. I am a fantasy legend not because I have the perfect drafts every single year, but because stay calm and play the game.

For example, we have a big money league that we play in every year sponsored by www.wickedthreadz.com who happens to have some of the sickest vintage sports tees ever produced (sorry for the lame plug). I lost my number two Marques Colston last year in week 1. I finished first because I saw other opportunities and didn’t trade away the bank. The guy who lost Brady in our league finished third and got his money back because he didn’t freak. Hell, I went 0-4 to start the ’06 season and came out on top. Give yourself sometime to evaluate your squad before you regret it later.

Here are three ways to stay focused and get your squad on the right track.

1. Buy Low/Sell High. Yeah yeah…we’ve all heard it before, but seriously, this is a surefire way to dominate your league. Just because you’re not willing to give in and you remain unfreaked by week 1, doesn’t mean others aren’t. Maybe Steve Smith didn’t pan out, but he’s still an elite wideout and even though Jake Delhomme looked as if he was drugged the night before, he still looked his way 13 times. Same with Calvin…and they are going to be airing it out in Detroit all year long. People are trading CJ straight up for Greg Jennings after week one. You didn’t draft it this way and you sure as shit shouldn’t give it up that easily either. We’re talking about Mega-tron. If somebody wants to ditch him like a junior high girlfriend after one week because you couldn’t get a handjob then let them. They always regret it later. Package up Santonio Holmes and Nate Burleson and see what you can get.
2. Be the hunter, not the prey. It’s tough to take a loss, but some are taking it harder than others. Especially those who may have lost a player. If you drafted Flacco or Hasselbeck late, go look at the guy who had McNabb or Cutler. If you do this on a weekly basis you are bound to strike gold. I made a trade last year for Fitzgerald on his bye week, because the guy who had him could not afford another loss and had no one at wideout. Anthony Gonzalez could be sidelined for a while, go prey on the weak. If there’s somebody you wanted on Draft Day this is the best way to go get him. No one is untouchable on a banged up squad.
3. Don’t give in to the week 1 breakouts. There is the guy in every league who drafted five late round running backs hoping to strike gold with at least one of them. Then they try to trade them league wide for one of your prized picks. They’re doing the right thing - selling high and preying on the weak. I don’t care who you are though, it is not time to trade Brandon Jacobs for Cadillac Williams and Darren Sproles. Now who knows, it may look better down the road, but you can’t tell something like that after week 1, so hold on to your pants. You can’t show weakness and make sure the trade being proposed benefits you no matter who is trying to sell it to you. You paid good money to be in your league, now don’t lose your return after week one.

If you are freak’d out, please follow these rules and  you will surely have a much more enjoyable season. Did you know, that only five backs hit the 100 yard mark last week. Nearly everyone struggled in that department. So once again, please remind yourself that it is only week one.

Swooped!

SoCal's beach boy is taking New York

Yo, need someone to fill-in your flex spot. Here is a list of players for you to consider for week two.

QB Mark Sanchez, NYJ – My prediction was that Franchez would have better rookie numbers than Flacco and Ryan, so far so good. He threw for 272 yards almost more than last year’s rookie studs had in their first start combined. He also found the end zone and kept his squad on the field by going 12-15 on third down. That’s unheard of, especially for a rook. This week, he matches up against the league’s elite at home, however, the Pats had trouble stopping the Bills offense and I have a feeling this could be a similar ballgame. If you have limited QB options, you should highly consider swooping the rook.

RB Correll Buckhalter, DEN – I could sit here and give you the obvious with names like Mike Bell and Cadillac Williams, but here is a back coming off of a stunning miracle victory who proved to his coaches that he ain’t ready to give way to Knowshon just yet. The Broncos are at home this week against a Browns team who as of right now is last in the league in rushing defense after letting AD run all day. Until Correll gives up that spot (and it’ll happen), he could be one of the most worthy flex options on your bench that not everybody already knows about.

RB Michael Bush, OAK – Was anyone surprised to see Bush starting the first series in Week 1? It was definitely not all Run DMC Monday Night as Michael Bush split most of the load including a TD run on third down. Tom Cable is committed to the run and is showing teams that I will pound it down your throat all night long. This week, Bush goes up against a KC defense which lets more people through then sperm bank. He also might be a nice addition to your bench if he hasn’t already been swooped. He’s one injury away from becoming a number one.

WR Mario Manningham, NYG – You gotta love this guy. The Fantasy Guy already confessed his love for Manningham as his sleeper of the year and now with the rookie Nicks out and Hixon underperforming, look for Super Mario to get his looks. Eli thinks highly of the third-year wideout from Michigan and Manningham has the ability to become younger Manning’s Marvin Harrison as they have similar qualities. This week the G-Men travel to Dallas for a nice NFC East clash. The Cowboys D looked meek against the Bucs and the Giants are simply a better team. Give Mario a shot.

Seattle's Nate Burleson has an outfit for every opponent.

WR Nate Burleson, SEA – This guy is probably becoming unavailable in more and more leagues, but he is still a nice play for Week 2 after coming off a 7 for 74 and a TD performance. He is also some great trade bait if you got him. That Seattle offense looks rejuvenated. I mean, its got to be if Julius Jones is running off 60-yarders. This is a guy you want on your team. Hass loves him and he’s a hometown favorite who keeps it fresh. There’s gotta be something to be said about that.

TE Brent Celek, PHI – We saw TEs like Todd Heap, Jeremy Shockey and Chris Cooley return to old form last week, but don’t sleep on Celek. In a crazy game where Philly’s Defense and Special Teams had things won before they even started, Celek still had 6 grabs including a TD. Even if McNabb is unable to go, a TE is a QBs best friend. I dropped Shiancoe to add Celek in my big money league this week and have faith that he will come through in a real barn-burner against New Orleans.

D Washington Redskins – Anybody going up against the Rams is a good play, but the ‘Skins aren’t good for just this week. They play the Lions next and get the Chiefs a couple weeks later. And, we all know what Mr. Haynesworth can do for a team in the middle. They should be able to get their offense going against a lesser defense so look for the ‘Skins to have some fresh legs when they’re out there, meaning more opportunities.

Monday Night Raw

It doesn’t get much better than a Monday Night Football doubleheader. Maybe a Monday doubleheader without Al Davis, but like Mick Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want.” However, I got Run DMC in two of my leagues and I am curious to see if he’s a break-out or bust this year. Also, the biggest Mancrush I have ever had was on Tom Brady and he’s back. I love him, I am excited to watch him, and I hope he makes me feel like shit for not drafting him in any leagues this year. This season is off to a great start and I can’t wait to watch it unfold. Here are 10 things for you to look forward to tonight.

1. Brady is back! 
2. Is LT better than AD, he show us what he’s got left tonight?
3. Terrell Owens in Buffalo.
4. Can Phillip Rivers match last year?
5. How good will Tom Brady look in the throwbacks?
6. How many Tila Tequila ‘Lights Out’ references will we here?
7. What will Run DMC do on such a shitty team?
8. Which assistant will Tom Cable punch out?
9. Can Trent Edwards grow up tonight?
10. Gruden in the booth.

 I’m getting my popcorn ready right now, gotta go…game on!

Off and Running: Cool Brees, All Day

My infatuation for the greatest running back I have ever seen with my own eyes grew even larger Sunday. AD torched the Cleveland Browns for 180 yards on 25 carries and 3 trips to paydirt including a super sick 64-yard stomp that made the entire Browns secondary look like they were swooped up off a Pop Warner squad. He was a man among boys. We watched the greatest basketball player of all-time retire, Jeter surpass Gehrig and Tiger and Roger dominate their respective sports throughout the week. These guys are the best at what they do and on Sunday Adrian Peterson was no exception. The man is lethal and electric and belongs in the same sentence as these guys. As for Fantasy Football goes… I don’t care what kind of offer you get, unless you are a die-hard (one who stubbornly resists change or tenaciously adheres to a seemingly hopeless or outdated cause) Packers fan he should be on your squad for all 16 games. You were the lucky enough to get the number one, so keep the number one guy. In other games we saw the Super Bowl runner-ups go down, a miracle in Cincy, and last years winner of ‘The Shittiest Team in the League’ and probably of all-time continue their losing ways. Drew Brees, arguably the first QB taken in most drafts rewarded teams with 6TDs. And by the way things went, I can see it happening again. They are definitely a serious contender to make the trip to Miami. My Sleeper Special (Robert Meachem) scored as well which made me happy. It looked as if he was set for a big day, but finished with 2 catches for 51 yards to go with his touchdown. Also, for you Pierre Thomas owners, don’t sweat just yet. It definitely was the first game of the season and he should be back next week. Now if you are a Reggie Bush owner, you might be want to have a Plan B. Check in with me tomorrow for some more goodies and I apologize if you spent your rent money on my locks of the week. I’m better than that.