Quick Hits: Did you see that?

If all you dedicated readers were wondering about the lack of posts last week, lets just say The Fantasy Guy was on his bye week. Between running a small online business, tending to my fantasy teams, and chasing tail during homecoming weekend, it’s been hectic around here. Here are my quick hits from a week in hiding.

-A buddy of mine called me asking about his wideouts for week 5. His options were seemingly disgusting. Kenny Britt, Mohammad Massaquoi, Austin Collie, and the beautiful Miles Austin. He was playing three of them and I told him to sit Collie. I apologize for that as Collie went off, but seriously with a question mark….? Moh was coming off a top fantasy performance last week and they just traded Braylon Butterhands Edwards. It doesn’t help when your quarterback completes 2 passes a game. That’s no joke. If anybody even cared about the game between Buffalo and Cleveland (woof!), then they would have seen the box score with DA going 2-17 for 23 yards. Ronnie Brown had a better passer rating. As for Britt, I guess the Titans are worthy of their 0-5 start. Can you say collapse? And Miles Austin, I’m assuming you all saw that. He also dropped three touchdowns though or he might of had 80 points.

-Thank you Calvin Johnson for single-handedly losing me two of my matchups. It doesn’t look like the injury is serious by any means, but neither are the Lions. Did anybody see Daunte Culpepper throw that dying quail back across the field that fell into William James’ hands like a nurf ball thrown by my four-year old niece. I don’t even have a four-year old niece that I know of, but if I did, that’s what it was comparable to. The one Sunday that I don’t post up at my local pub equipped with Direct TV I get stuck watching the Chiefs, Raiders, and Lions. I would have rather watched two trannies play swords.

Still rockin at age 50.

-I just saw some dude asking Gloria Estefan if she would sign his forehead during the Monday Night game, did you? That’s awesome. She declined in disgust and then he tried to get her to sign his arm. It looked like she made the compromise, but then it went to commercial. She still looks good though. Isn’t she like 60 by now?

- One of the reason this has been such an up-and-down fantasy season is because of the lack of parody we are seeing this season. This is the first time in a long time where the really good teams are exactly that and the bad teams are excriciatingly painful to watch. When did the UFL and NFL merge?

- Peyton and Eli are killing it this season. I remember one of my drafts where some guy drafted Eli at 24. Now while this is still ridiculous, Eli is proving him to be a genius. Thank god their horrible matchups are finally over so they can actually play their starters the whole game. I realize Eli wasn’t in the best condition, but Brandon Jacobs and Steve Smith can’t score on the bench. Look out for Hakeem Nicks to be a bigger player in the fantasy game as well. Peyton has gotta be the first half MVP. 300 yards in every game so far this year. How’s that for production?

- Can we get a better explanation as to why Mike Sims-Walker broke team rules. I’m thinking it was probably a curfew thing, but man Mr. Del Rio really doesn’t care about fantasy football. I must have been too hungover to notice, but I don’t remember them even saying Walker was out for week 5. I bet they rethink sitting him after getting blown out by Seattle. FOURT-ONE TO NOTHING? SEATTLE? That can’t be right.

- DeSean Jackson owners be weary, there’s a new burner in town. If you are still holding onto Jamarcus Russell, do yourself a favor and go grab Jeremy Maclin. I think Donovan has a new favorite target. He is a worthy add especially since the Eagles love to throw the long ball.

Brandon Milk Duds Marshall

- Umm, did Lamar Hunt’s grandma design the Denver Broncos uniforms in the 1960s? Those deserve a big GTFO. I overheard somebody beginning to compliment the disgusting Willy Wonka tragedies and then their brain took a quick left-turn after rethinking it mid-sentence. I am all for the throwbacks, but good god. No wonder the 60s were depressing. I could have thrown up a better look. One of my favorite blogs where I get a lot of my inspiration actually has an explanation. You can check it out at http://www.uniwatchblog.com/.

- Did anybody see that catch Braylon Edwards just made. Straight sick with it. Too bad they didn’t reward him with the touchdown. That sucks if you were up five and your buddy had Thomas Jones still left. I don’t feel bad for you, because I have been crapped on all year long. However, Butterhands looks like he is fitting right in. Which also sucks if you own Jerricho Cotchery.

- You gotta give the GTFO Award to Bre’ Bly this week. If you saw the highlights you know what I am talking about. Not only was he showboating after a pick while the Niners were getting their ass kicked, but he approached the media after the game by saying, “Dre’s going to be Dre.” If you climb to the top of Mike Singletary’s shit list, that’s how you do it. He’s going to be on his knees Vernon Davis style for at least a couple weeks. I wonder what Deion has to say about that. But I don’t think Dre’ is the only one who should be apologizing for that performance. Peace!

Monday Morning Quarterback

I am still unable to get my Twitter going on my Blackberry for these Sunday games. A buddy of mine said I should report my feelings throughout Sunday since all we do is intensely watch every moment of every game, but my Twitter app is crap. Not to mention the hundreds of phones being scanned for statistics within one room. Maybe I’ll kick it at home next Sunday. If anybody has a good Twitter app they use that is better than my TwitterBerry please feel free to endulge me. As for now, here’s my rundown of a monsterous week in Fantasy Football.

First off, I think I am done trying to predict what the ‘Skins are going to do, because it seems as if they don’t even know what to do themselves. Daniel Snyder has held up the process in D.C. for too many years now that it’s becoming a gambler’s nightmare. He just looks like a trust fund dork that throws his money around like a billionaire in a mexican whorehouse. If he can spend all this money on big names, then why the hell is Jason Campbell still behind center? Something has to change there.

Being from Kansas City it looks as if its going to be a long season from a fan stand point. So after getting tired of watching Todd Haley manage a game we turned to the Houston vs. Tennessee game which looked like a good ol’ fashioned shootout. Exactly the way I like it. They were still in the first quarter while most of the other early games were at halftime. Passing on Chris Johnson at pick 12 could have been the biggest mistake I have ever made in Fantasy Football. He’s as sexy a girl dressed in body paint. See what I  mean? The man had 40 points by halftime and capped his day off with a third quarter sprint for 91 yards. That’s enough to make owners cum in their pants as far as I’m concerned.

Not a Dolphins fan? Try now!

By the way, this is not a PG-13 blog so if you have ear muffs or eye masks……..use them!

Same game, different squad. My boy Matt Schaub who I have in all four of my leagues showed up. Too bad I sat him in 3 out of 4, but still it’s very encouraging. I guess the Jets are for real. Andre Johnson also proved he was worthy of that first round pick you spent on him coming through in a big way with 10 catches for 149 and 2TDs including a 72-yard bomb on a play-action pass that totally miffed the Titans secondary. Good stuff.

Back to the J-E-T-S, Jets Jets Jets. I think Rex Ryan might be the last guy you want to run into at a bathroom stall. He’d kick you and your buddies ass faster than you can even say Sea Bass. And it seems to be rubbing off in New York, because they look like a team that thinks they are going to Miami. They may be tough to predict fantasy-wise, but if you had the guts to take their D in round 11 in your draft like I have seen, it seems to be paying off. Brady didn’t even throw a touchdown and I have never seen a team make him look like that.

Sea Bass ain't got nothing on Rex Ryan

What else….hmmmmmmmm! Oh yeah, the Saints are legit. I would be perfectly content with playing a lineup of all Saints, especially if Reggie is getting the ‘after-the-game is already over and we can sit on the sidelines and check out hot chicks in the stands’ points. I know he fell quite a bit this year, but there are enough touches to go around and he is still returning punts. Very dangerous. And my prediction about Colston was almost spot on.

I also hit on Cincy, not only by saying they would win the game and Chad would be able to do his Lambeau Leap, which he did, but I also stated that Greg Jennings would not show up. I think the fact that he DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A CATCH, justifies my statement. Chris Henry only ended up with one catch, but it was a touchdown so I’ll take half credit.

Moving to the late games, I will retract my statement about the Forty Niners as they looked like a team that was tired of being the NFC Wests’ bitch the last five seasons. Funny that I tried trading for Frank Gore all week and got nothing. Now I’m really screwed. He also single-handedly beat me in my big money league. His second 80 yard scamper was about the same time I spilled my beer all over our table and the front of my pants. Damn you Seahawks. Good to see Cutler back as well, taking down the Champs. Only a guy with that rich-kid swagger could pull that off.

Did you see Ray Lewis stuff Darren Sproles on 4th down to win the game? One of the most amazing plays I have ever seen. He was possessed. The man could have ran through a building to get to “The Little Tank” if he had to. Fucking awesome.

And lastly, the showdown at ‘The Palace’ was a game that pretty much told the story of week 2. Big plays, big points, and big screens. The new Dallas Stadium brought in over 105,000 in it’s debut for Jerry Jones and the ‘Boys (hopefully everybody bought a hotdog) and everything was just about perfect until Eli Cool methodically led his team down the field in the final minutes. That’s how you win a ballgame and that’s how you shut up a lot of people. Unfortunately, nobody punted the ball into the giant billboard TV up there. I gotta make a road trip down to Big D to see this thing. It’s a fucking landmark. Oh, and Brandon Jacobs…I can’t sleep at night because I keep playing draft night over in my mind when I was a millisecond away from picking Chris Johnson over your ass. I thought you were a touchdown whore?

 

 

Off and Running: Cool Brees, All Day

My infatuation for the greatest running back I have ever seen with my own eyes grew even larger Sunday. AD torched the Cleveland Browns for 180 yards on 25 carries and 3 trips to paydirt including a super sick 64-yard stomp that made the entire Browns secondary look like they were swooped up off a Pop Warner squad. He was a man among boys. We watched the greatest basketball player of all-time retire, Jeter surpass Gehrig and Tiger and Roger dominate their respective sports throughout the week. These guys are the best at what they do and on Sunday Adrian Peterson was no exception. The man is lethal and electric and belongs in the same sentence as these guys. As for Fantasy Football goes… I don’t care what kind of offer you get, unless you are a die-hard (one who stubbornly resists change or tenaciously adheres to a seemingly hopeless or outdated cause) Packers fan he should be on your squad for all 16 games. You were the lucky enough to get the number one, so keep the number one guy. In other games we saw the Super Bowl runner-ups go down, a miracle in Cincy, and last years winner of ‘The Shittiest Team in the League’ and probably of all-time continue their losing ways. Drew Brees, arguably the first QB taken in most drafts rewarded teams with 6TDs. And by the way things went, I can see it happening again. They are definitely a serious contender to make the trip to Miami. My Sleeper Special (Robert Meachem) scored as well which made me happy. It looked as if he was set for a big day, but finished with 2 catches for 51 yards to go with his touchdown. Also, for you Pierre Thomas owners, don’t sweat just yet. It definitely was the first game of the season and he should be back next week. Now if you are a Reggie Bush owner, you might be want to have a Plan B. Check in with me tomorrow for some more goodies and I apologize if you spent your rent money on my locks of the week. I’m better than that.